This may be the best thing ever.
$12 or so on Amazon. Fries not included.
Work can be tough. You’re asked to do superhuman tasks — balance the corporate budget, pull an X-Wing Fighter out of a swamp, defeat Darth Vader, figure out how to make it so the men’s room doesn’t run out of paper towels, and fix that stupid printer which is constantly jammed.
Maybe you need a 900 year old Jedi master to hang around and help out. Couldn’t hurt.
This is the book.
The book that I wrote.
It does not rhyme.
Unlike this note.
The worst five parts about making sand castles: sand in your shoes, in your shorts, in your lunch, in your hair, and the endless trips to the water to get the sand wet so you can make a sand castle which, let’s face it, looks nothing like a sand castle.
Enter Sand, with a little circle-y thing over the a. It’s soft but not sticky, at least not to you. It’s kind of stretchy. And it’s apparently non-toxic, but we’d not suggest eating it.
So you’re walking down the street and all of a sudden, someone screams, someone else yells “call the police!” and then, out of nowhere like Batman or something, a bunch of police officers run past you. In general, that means they’re running toward a crime scene and you should probably go the other way. Especially if Batman is involved.
But there are always exceptions, like the above. Thank you, Miami Police Department, for reminding us of those very important exceptions.
About $5 on eBay, but obviously varies.
You probably don’t want your number ones and number two to glow in the dark. On the other hand, sometimes you ahve to go when it’s dark, and you probably don’t want to miss. This motion-detecting toilet night light prevents that — well, hopefully — and as a bonus (?), it makes your toilet glow bright red. Or green, if you’re into that.
Awesome: Water ballon fights.
Not awesome: Filling up 100 water balloons.
Awesome: Bunch o Balloons, a pack of 100 water balloons which all fill up at once, in about a minute.
(Not awesome: cleaning up all those busted balloons. But whatever, close enough.)
I also wrote this!
This still doesn’t rhyme.
But please read both.
If you have the time.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
Or in this case a fake ring. If you’re Sauron, that works too. I mean, you’re basically a disembodied eye anyway, it’s not like you even have a finger to put it on.
The eminent doctor Tobias Funke was multi-talented — an analyst a therapist, a classically trained actor by the great Carl Weathers, and of course, an elixir-dealing folk singer. That band was a family band — Dr. Funke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution — starring his erstwhile wife Lindsay and someone who may be his daughter named Maeby. They reeked of sincerity but were really backed by a company selling designer drugs called Teamocil and Zanotab (but don’t tell Michael).
T-shirt may be known to distract the unnamed wives of patently awful magicians, refocusing their attention on balding nevernudes. And if you don’t know what that means, you probably shouldn’t be buying this.
In all seriousness, this is going to be the next classic children’s book. Don’t take my word for it. Here’s a video of the author (actor B.J. Novak) reading the book.
Bonus feature: It’s pretty light because it doesn’t have all that extra ink that pictures take up.
Really, I have no idea what this is.
It’s an ad. It’s different for everyone. That’s how ads on the Internet work a lot of the time.
It may be more than $20. It may not even be a product. I HAVE NO IDEA.
But I’m not apologizing.
Okay, I’ll apologize. Sorry.
Say it with me now: acc-cel-o-rom-eter. That’s the thingamabob that lets your phone know when you are tilting it. And that can be used to make really neat games like the one above.
But there’s a really neat other thing that can do that, too! It’s call gravity plus momentum plus inertia. And get this: it’s 3-D! And has awesome tactile feedback!
Yeah, so, that’s Tilt. It’s a game which is probably also a $0.99 cent app somewhere, but only cheapskates give digital versions of awesome games. This one is great and kid-tested, kid-approved (trust me on that one).
As a famous poet once said:
Well, I’d like to visit the moon
On a rocket ship high in the air
Yes, I’d like to visit the moon
But I don’t think I’d like to live there
Though I’d like to look down at the earth from above
I would miss all the places and people I love
So although I might like it for one afternoon
I don’t want to live on the moon
Words to live by. And, words to sleep by. It’s a night light! It looks like the moon! It has an “authentically detailed 3-D lunar landscape!” And it comes with a remote control. Of course.
Okay, okay, the thing above looks dumb. Hella dumb, if you use the word “hella” (which is, itself, hella dumb). But you know what else looks dumb? Coffee stains on your pants and shirts and carpets and ye gods it burns too! What infernal torture is this!
There’s a solution. It’s called physics and you don’t need to understand it. All you need to know is that if you put your coffee-filled mug in this dumb-looking doohickey, you the coffee often (more often than before, at least) remains in the mug and off your clothes and stuff. And that’s important. Hella important.
$15, give or take. Mug not included, but who cares, because it makes all of your normal mugs into awesome mugs.
Austin Powers’ nemesis, Dr. Evil, had one wish in life — “sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.” It’s a simple wish for a man who wants to take over the world; who wouldn’t want an army of carnivorous aquatic zapping creatures zapping other creatures? No one, that’s who. NO ONE.
This is close. It’s a laser pointer, so it’s not likely to harm anyone. And the shark isn’t real, so it can’t eat anyone. And the laser isn’t quite on the shark’s head.
But hey, it’s under $20, and you’re not looking to take over the world . . . right? RIGHT?
It’s called Gallium.
Just to be clear on that. If you’re still confused:
1) Gollum is forever linked to the One Ring, whicb can only be melted in the bowels of Mount Doom, behind the Black Gate of Mordor, as it was originally forged there.
2) Gallium is metal which melts at about 85 degrees Fahrenheit, and therefore does not need a hobbit (let alone two hobbits) or a fiery volcano to melt. You can just squeeze it a bit and let your body heat do the rest.
You’re at work and stressed out because something something, something something something — oh, and something something something something! Every day, right? It’d be incredible if you could just break out the GameBoy, pop in that Tetris cartridge, and doo doo doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo your worries away, right there in the office. But then your boss would be … yeah, that. So no GameBoy, sorry.
Instead? Stress balls. They suck, though.
But if they were shaped like Tetris blocks? Not only could you squeeze them when the something something happen, but you can also build neat things and be the envy of the other people in your cubical farm.
From the product description:
“You might have to recall things from the 80s in alphabetical order or name stuff a pirate would say with your answer starting with the last letter of the previous player’s answer.”
So, it’s just like any other Saturday night, except you win meaningless points and ethereal prizes!
The best part about building sand castles isn’t the building the sand castle part, unless you’re one of those super-sculpture types (and really, who is?). No, no. The best part about building sand castles is the AWESOME MOATS.
Usually, digging an AWESOME MOAT (it really needs to be in all caps, all the time) means scooping out piles and piles of sand with your hands. That’s fun and all, but it’s slow going. Handtrux allow you to supercharge (SUPERCHARGE) construction of your AWESOME MOAT, turning your hands into massive shoves which can dig dig dig dig dig until the tide comes in and ruins all your fun.
Let’s make this one simple:
2) Pointy sticks.
4) In a mug-shaped container.
5) Seriously? You’re not convinced already?
If you scroll up a bit, you’ll see that I have an ad. I apologized for that ad. I guess it was an empty apology because I’m doing it again.
You know what’s awesome? Silly Putty.
You know what’s awesome? Magnetic stuff.
The thing about awesomeness is that it’s geometric. Take two awesome things an add them together and you don’t get something that’s twice as awesome. You get awesomeness SQUARED. Awesome times awesome! Bam!
This stuff is like magic, apparently. Works like modeling clay until you bring the included magnet nearby, in which case it bends and blurps (whatever a blurp is) to your will. Magic!
See that little tiny metal marble? That’s you. The rest of the contraption? A three-dimensional maze, and you have to get through it. You the marble, not you yourself, because the Perplexus doesn’t come with a shrink ray.
Oh, and it’s really freaking hard. Thankfully, it’s pretty hard to smash.
It’s a cake. It’s pi. It’s not a Pie, which we admit can be a little confusing. But it probably tastes good if you put good tasting stuff inside.
The surface area of the top of it is roughly 3.14159265358979323846 times the diameter squared, which is roughly 9 inches. The surface area is also pi. The filling can be pie filling but that’s optional.
The volume of the mold is … uh… yeah, it’s too hard for us to figure out.
Being a millionaire must be cool.
Being a billionaire, that too.
But don’t settle for billions. Nope. Go for the big money. The real big money. Be a trillionaire. It’s so much money that “trillionaire” doesn’t even come up on spell check. And it can be yours, with this totally real 100 trillion dollar bill — Zimbabwean dollars, that is — which of course is really worth about eight hundredth of a cent U.S., but whatever.
Collect ten and you’ll become a … uh… really-rich-illionaire.
Take two cookies. And some ice cream. Let’s face it, you’re already 95% on the way to being awesome.
But that last five percent, that’s always the trick, isn’t it?
Not any more. Not by a long shot.
What’s better than popcorn? Making it taste like burning. Like atomic-bomb-went-off burning. It’s so hot that it’d make Orville Redenbacher bald if he weren’t bald already. Wait, Orville Redenbacher wasn’t bald? And he’s dead? Oh…
Anyway, it’s popcorn, covered in chili sauce.
Dave likes lunch. So much so, in fact, that he eats his it every day at about 11:30 — but, “accidentally,” eats someone else’s sandwich instead. And no one wants that anchovy, jalapeno, and mayo monstrosity that he brings from home, no sir. Definitely not you. You wanted that really awesome BLT you picked up on the way to work. But no, no… Dave ate it.
Hopefully, Dave will get let go in the next round of layoffs. Or arrested. Or come down with mono or something. But until then, use the anti-theft lunch bag. Make Dave think that your egg and cheese on whole wheat comes with a generous side of toxic mold.
It’ll be our little secret.
The human body is always happy. The question is, which part of it? If you’re angry, this t-shirt reminds you that your forehead is smiling and there’s nothing you can do about it! And if you get angrier, IT JUST SMILES HARDER! So there.
Of course, you could always go full Whoopi Goldberg and shave off the eyebrows. Take that, universe.
Parrots can talk, which means parrots can swear. It’d be hard to train your parrot to say things like _________, and _______, and of course _________ ___________ ___________, you ___________ _________ __________ monkey _________. So just go with the electronic one.
Every once in a while you need to let off a little steam, and threatening to sacrifice some dude is a great way to do it.
Wait, that sounded wrong, let’s try again.
Everyone once in a while, while you’re cooking, you need to let off a little steam. You know, so your pasta doesn’t boil over and create that really gross mess that you can never clean up. So some company came up with “Lid Sid,” a dangling little dude who you can prop over the lip of the pot. He holds up the lid and looks like he’s about to go for a swim in boiling hot water (with oil if you are any sort of decent cook) which would suck, but he’s not alive.
At least not any more.
There’s a website called “Who Buys This Stuff?” which asks, as you may have guessed, who buys this stuff? In most cases, we agree with them, but not when it comes to the awesome power of a motorized ice cream cone. It SPINS YOUR CONE FOR YOU. That’s amazing! Equal distribution of ice cream lickery, guaranteed! And you don’t have to go all Exorcist and turn your wrist in a full circle! Because that’s impossible unless you’re possessed by some demon!
Especially if you’re lazy.
It’s called “Awesome Sauce.” It could taste like pigeon poop and you know what? It’d still be worth a try. Seriously, take a bologna-on-Wonder Bread sandwich — the non-awesomest thing you can possibly eat — and bam! add the awesome sauce to it. Then it’s a meal. Potentially a really bad tasting one, but who cares? Be a man.
Duff Beer for me, Duff Beer for you, I’ll have a Duff, you have one too! Okay, that’s not Duff Beer, but rather an orange-flavored energy drink. But it’s still very Simpons-y, and because it’s non-alcoholic, you can pretend to be Bart pretending to drink a beer. Just don’t be Maggie, because babies shouldn’t have all that sugar and stuff. Drink responsibly!
Want your drink on the rocks? Literally? Now, you can live the dream. Made of soapstone, these rocks are cool as ice — well, once you put them in your freezer — and don’t melt. They’re apparently not poisonous or anything like that, either. So if you feel woozy or a bit hungover the next day, blame the drink, not the stones.
Ice cream is for sharing — usually. But there is always that one dude in your office who takes it too literally. You know the type, that guy who brings a salad to work because “that’s all he really wants” and then decides hey, there’s awesome stuff in the refrigerator!
Not him. Not your ice cream. Not again.
Lightsaber chopsticks. When you first ate sushi, you were but the learner. Now you are the master. (Only the master of eel, Darth?)
May the Force be with you, and the forks left alone.
Miraculin, the magic ingredient in “Miracle Frooties,” tricks your tastebuds into thinking that sour stuff is sweet. Pop a Miracle Frooties tablet in your mouth, let it dissolve, and then bite into a lemon — it’s like eating candy!
It’s a mustache. It’s a ball. It’s the Humunga Stache. It’s a doggie toy which makes it look like your dog has a sweet, sweet ‘stache. You throw it. Your dog goes and fetches it. Because your dog doesn’t have opposable thumbs, he has to grab it with his mouth.
Remember that time that you were at a kid’s birthday party and all those kids started crying and OH MY LORD MY EARS ARE BURNING FROM THE SOUND OF A BILLION FOUR YEAR OLDS SCREAMING PLEASE MAKE IT STOP?
Solution: An emergency clown nose.
That’s a mug. Not a toilet filled with, well, you know. We assume it’s filled with coffee but it could be hot chocolate. Or…
Well, you get the idea.
It’s not quite as unsinkable as they thought it’d be… but instead, it’s drinkable! Mix some horrific human tragedy in with your holiday revelry as your gin (or Sprite or iced tea or whatever you drink — but not milk, because milk with ice? That’d be gross) is cooled down by the most famous shipwreck in the history of mankind.
Women and children first.
They say unicorns aren’t real.
Yum. (Horn not included. Presence of wings may vary.)
We the people, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, something about domestic tranquility, defense, general welfare, and ordaining stuff. Without George Washington, there’d be no freedom; without freeom, there could never be Chia Pets. It’s the perfect combination.
See that blueish-purplish stuff Vader is holding in his left hand? It’s Force Lightning. You know, the stuff that the Emperor uses to get Luke to yell “FATHER!!” until Vader tosses the Emperor into the seemingly endless chasm near his throne room? Yeah, that stuff.
That’s what it looks like when it gets turned into a Lego. So, mystery solved.
Boo-boos hurt. But bacon? It makes everything better, or so they say. Putting bacon on a boo-boo is probably a bad idea, but bacon-shaped “band-aids” probably don’t.
But don’t eat them, that wouldn’t be kosher.
Fact: Everyone likes marshmallows. Everybody. Even the Stay Puft Marshallow Man would eat a marshmallow, because they’re that good. Sugar and squishy and kind of gets stuck in your teeth… what’s not to like?
Fact 2: Everyone likes chocolate. Even dogs, and they’re deathly allergic to the stuff.
Fact 3: Sometimes you need a caffeine jolt.
Solution: Caffeinated Chocolate Marshmallows.
There was once this kid, we’ll call him Carl, who liked skateboarding. Carl had a girlfriend named Monique, but he could never remember how to spell her name. But she liked rainbows. Carl wanted to show Monique that he’d love her forever, so he got a tattoo of a rainbow, skateboarding, on his right arm. It hurt like a youknowwhat.
The next day, Carl caught Monique sleeping with his best friend, Waldo.
Don’t be a Carl. Make sure your tattoos of skateboarding rainbows are temporary.
The web comic XKCD dude decided, hey, wouldn’t it be really cool to draw the oceans? And how deep they are? Because the oceans, they’re deep. Really deep. Like if Buddha and some non-Buddha philosopher had a conversation deep, except not in that sense of the word “deep.”
You can see the whole drawing here but that would be hard to put on your wall, so Mr. XKCD made it into a poster. It’s 36″x24″ and on high-quality paper, which means it isn’t all that deep itself.
Turn your feet into meat with socks that are sweet. Two non-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bunion?
Okay, that was gross. But the socks are amazing and probably vegan.
This ice tray only makes six ice cubes, but it makes SUPER GINORMOUS ones. They’re so big, we need capital letters there, and really, even that’s inadequate. You could probably freeze a whole Oompa-Loompa, they’re so big. But probably not Augustus Gloop.
Ever wanted to Force Choke someone to death? Just use the above to make Aunt Myrtle’s fruitcake.
All too easy.