I mean, WASABI. KIT. KATS.
What will the world think of next?
This is the book.
The book that I wrote.
It does not rhyme.
Unlike this note.
Some coconuts, a loose alliance with the Brave Sir Robin, and perhaps some Spam — and you, yes you, can be King of the Britons. But to do so, you’ll first need to face the invincible black knight in battle. You can’t win. You can cut off his arms and he’ll kick you; you can cut off his legs and he’ll bleed all over you. And maybe bite you. Or taunt you a second time. (Okay, that was someone else.)
Mug awesomeness core, 9 out of a potential 10.
To achieve full awesome, make a “blooh-blooh-blooh” sound while swallowing the coffee. Or use it as a planter and grow some plumber-eating plants in it.
This may be the best thing ever.
$12 or so on Amazon. Fries not included.
Don’t give me no back talk, sucka! This absolutely amazing toy — I’m listening to it as I type this — gives you six Mr. T lines spoken by the man himself. Really great for dealing with telemarketers and for telling people that you are “first name mister, middle name period, last name T.”
Fish don’t make for very good pets. They don’t much of anything. You can’t play with them. They look cool in one of those super-fancy aquariums you’d find at doctors offices, sure, but in a boring bowl with maybe some blue stones and a plastic replica of Spongebob Squarepants’ home-slash-pineapple? Boring.
The best part about having a pet fish is that unlike other pets, they require virtually no upkeep — feed them, change the water on occasion, and hope for the best. The worst part about having a pet fish is that most of them meet a watery end at the wrong end of a flushed toilet shortly after becoming your pet.
So what if we could make your fish immortal? Well, good news! Meet the robo-fish. It’s not really alive so it can’t really die. You may have to change its battery and some of the reviews say it may spring a leak, so yeah, maybe it can die. But it doesn’t have any upkeep!
It’s the classic computer game turned into a board game, which if you think about it, makes no sense. Then again, neither does traveling in an ox-drawn cart across a wilderness because of the idea of manifest destiny. But hey, it’s fun! (The card game and computer game, not the actual trip made by pioneers of yesteryear. They knew what diphtheria was, and they learned it the hard way.)
$14 and change — even if you play as a farmer, that’s affordable.
Joan Collins is a great author. (Maybe not for AwesomeClaus shoppers, but whatever.)
John Collins isn’t. But he wrote this book, and it’s still a good book! Otherwise I wouldn’t have suggested it.
John Collins is a great designer of paper airplanes. The best, in fact. Check back for his story.
(Joan Collins isn’t a great designer of paper airplanes, by the way.)
$10, give or take. Paper, tape, and various other paper airplane-making tools not included, but commonly available.
These are called “ABC Cookies.” It stands for “Already Been Chewed” Cookies. Because they look like they’ve already been chewed.
But really? These are a sad commentary on society. A very sad commentary. What kind of monsters are we, baking cookies in the shapes of our friends and neighbors (minus the hair and any distinguishing features) only so we can systematically and methodologically bite off their arms, legs, and their heads? We are a terrible species and we deserve nothing but whatever awful things are due to us.
But hey, at least we’ll have cookies, so it all evens ou tin the end. Right?
$9.68. Recipe included. Any required therapy sold separately.
If you haven’t seen the movie Inception, this thing makes no sense. So you probably won’t buy it.
If you HAVE seen the movie Inception, this thing makes even LESS sense. Which is why you really, really want one of these things.
Work can be stressful. Punching someone can help, in two ways: one, the physical act of cold-cocking someone is probably a great release of tension and two, you’ll almost certainly be fired and therefore not have to deal with the stresses of work anymore.
Of course, then you’ll note be be able to afford any of the other great items featured on this website.
Okay, then, for our sake, please buy this item. And instead of hitting your boss, colleague, or that person who is only in the office for a 30-minute meeting which could have been addressed in a six-word email, punch the bag instead. Our revenue model thanks you.
That looks like a GameBoy, right? RIGHT?
It’s not. It’s a refrigerator. With a freezer on top. With a set of refrigerator magnets. Bad news: You can’t play Tetris on it, unless you really want to get creative with how you stack leftovers, produce, and that weird thing in the back of the fridge which is growing hair and dates back to uh… holy cow that was long ago. (Gross!) Good news: The “screen” is a dry-erase board.
Once upon a time, the savannahs of the Earth were patrolled by majestic, lumbering creatures known as Oliphaunts. They had legs the size of oak trees, bodies larger than cruise ships, ears which could cast shadows covering entire zip codes, and trunks which were so long that, well, you know the proposed Los Angeles to San Fransisco bullet train? Yeah, the Oliphaunt laughs at such a minor feat.
But then… then came the wine. The Oliphaunts found themselves fond of the fermented elixir of the grape, so much so that they stopped going to work, were generally unpleasant to be around, and ultimately, the entire species began to die off. The only ones to survive had a weird genetic safeguard, one which made them unable to tolerate even a drop of alcohol; those Oliphaunts learned quickly to never touch the stuff. However, this genetic quirk also kept the Oliphaunts smaller — much larger than, say, a house cat or a Volkswagen Beetle. Generations came and went and these sober Oliphaunts begot the animals we call “elephants” today.
In memory and honor of these long-forgotten beasts, we now have a wine bottle holder, pictured above, to remind ourselves of a time long past.
Back in 1997, you got that person as your Secret Santa giftee. You know, her. She talks way too loudly on the phone, and it’s never something interesting or important. You know all about her kids’ rashes, her complicated relationship with her parents, and how proud she was of herself when she successfully negotiated $10 off her last oil change. Coal is too obvious of a gift for her. But a bunch of cactuses — cacti, SORRY — is perfect. They’re prickly, just like she is. They’re alive, but you can basically ignore her, er, them. And they take up valuable space. And they probably smell.
Dashing and daring,
Courageous and caring,
Faithful and friendly,
With stories to share.
All through the forest,
They sing out in chorus,
As their song fills the air.
Bouncing here and there and everywhere.
High adventure that’s beyond compare.
They are the Gummi Bears.
Now, in your ice cube tray. Except for that one in the bottom right. He bounced off somewhere. Probably into someone’s mouth, because he’s tasty.
$13. Gummi bears not included.
Sometimes, you care enough to send the very best.
But most of the time, you really just want to quickly acknowledge the event in question, fulfill the obligation of sending a card, and not waste any more time (a) reading through the absolutely hideous selection of greeting cards at CVS (I mean, really, who writes that crap?) (b) earning the money to then waste on a $5.95 card that the recipient is just going to throw out and (c) figuring out whether to sign it “yours” or “love” or “sincerely” or “cheers” or just “–“.
So, go with check boxes. Caution: There’s no “condolences” option.
As the headline explains, this one should be self-explanatory. But if not, here’s the relevant part of Wikipedia, as of this writing:
“Spears’s aunt Sandra Bridges Covington, with whom she had been very close, died of ovarian cancer in January 2007. In February, Spears stayed in a drug rehabilitation facility in Antigua for less than a day. The following night, she shaved her head with electric clippers at a hair salon in Tarzana, Los Angeles. She admitted herself to other treatment facilities during the following weeks. In May 2007, she produced a series of promotional concerts at House of Blues venues, titled The M+M’s Tour. In October 2007, Spears lost physical custody of her children to [her ex-husband Kevin] Federline. The reasons of the court ruling were not revealed to the public. Spears was also sued by Louis Vuitton over her 2005 music video “Do Somethin'” for upholstering her Hummer interior in counterfeit Louis Vuitton cherry blossom fabric, which resulted in the video being banned on European TV stations.”
I have nothing to say about this book except that I really liked it, and if you like all the stuff here, and you think the person you are buying the gift for will also like all the stuff here, you will and they will probably like this book, and this is a run-on sentence thanks.
Poop emoji: Hot and awesome. And not stinky. It’s just artwork.
Pillow poop emoji: Hot, awesome, huggable, and squishy. Not in that “eww it’s poop” squishy, either, but in that “yay it’s a pillow!” squishly.
Work can be tough. You’re asked to do superhuman tasks — balance the corporate budget, pull an X-Wing Fighter out of a swamp, defeat Darth Vader, figure out how to make it so the men’s room doesn’t run out of paper towels, and fix that stupid printer which is constantly jammed.
Maybe you need a 900 year old Jedi master to hang around and help out. Couldn’t hurt.
Really, I have no idea what this is.
It’s an ad. It’s different for everyone. That’s how ads on the Internet work a lot of the time.
It may be more than $20. It may not even be a product. I HAVE NO IDEA.
But I’m not apologizing.
Okay, I’ll apologize. Sorry.
The worst five parts about making sand castles: sand in your shoes, in your shorts, in your lunch, in your hair, and the endless trips to the water to get the sand wet so you can make a sand castle which, let’s face it, looks nothing like a sand castle.
Enter Sand, with a little circle-y thing over the a. It’s soft but not sticky, at least not to you. It’s kind of stretchy. And it’s apparently non-toxic, but we’d not suggest eating it.
So you’re walking down the street and all of a sudden, someone screams, someone else yells “call the police!” and then, out of nowhere like Batman or something, a bunch of police officers run past you. In general, that means they’re running toward a crime scene and you should probably go the other way. Especially if Batman is involved.
But there are always exceptions, like the above. Thank you, Miami Police Department, for reminding us of those very important exceptions.
About $5 on eBay, but obviously varies.
You probably don’t want your number ones and number two to glow in the dark. On the other hand, sometimes you ahve to go when it’s dark, and you probably don’t want to miss. This motion-detecting toilet night light prevents that — well, hopefully — and as a bonus (?), it makes your toilet glow bright red. Or green, if you’re into that.
That’s magic cards in tricks, not as in “the Gathering.”
Anyhoo, here’s the real magic trick behind trick decks of playing cards: they’re unnecessarily expensive or really, really fake. Most tricks can be performed with a normal, $3 deck of cards with a few minor modifications. The trick is to know how to modify those cards. This ebook — which makes it kind of hard to gift, but whatever — tells you the ins and outs of making your normal deck of cards into a magical deck of cards.
Yours for $2.99. Normal deck of cards not included, which should be obvious, because this is an ebook.
Awesome: Water ballon fights.
Not awesome: Filling up 100 water balloons.
Awesome: Bunch o Balloons, a pack of 100 water balloons which all fill up at once, in about a minute.
(Not awesome: cleaning up all those busted balloons. But whatever, close enough.)
I also wrote this!
This still doesn’t rhyme.
But please read both.
If you have the time.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
Or in this case a fake ring. If you’re Sauron, that works too. I mean, you’re basically a disembodied eye anyway, it’s not like you even have a finger to put it on.
The eminent doctor Tobias Funke was multi-talented — an analyst a therapist, a classically trained actor by the great Carl Weathers, and of course, an elixir-dealing folk singer. That band was a family band — Dr. Funke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution — starring his erstwhile wife Lindsay and someone who may be his daughter named Maeby. They reeked of sincerity but were really backed by a company selling designer drugs called Teamocil and Zanotab (but don’t tell Michael).
T-shirt may be known to distract the unnamed wives of patently awful magicians, refocusing their attention on balding nevernudes. And if you don’t know what that means, you probably shouldn’t be buying this.
In all seriousness, this is going to be the next classic children’s book. Don’t take my word for it. Here’s a video of the author (actor B.J. Novak) reading the book.
Bonus feature: It’s pretty light because it doesn’t have all that extra ink that pictures take up.
Say it with me now: acc-cel-o-rom-eter. That’s the thingamabob that lets your phone know when you are tilting it. And that can be used to make really neat games like the one above.
But there’s a really neat other thing that can do that, too! It’s call gravity plus momentum plus inertia. And get this: it’s 3-D! And has awesome tactile feedback!
Yeah, so, that’s Tilt. It’s a game which is probably also a $0.99 cent app somewhere, but only cheapskates give digital versions of awesome games. This one is great and kid-tested, kid-approved (trust me on that one).
As a famous poet once said:
Well, I’d like to visit the moon
On a rocket ship high in the air
Yes, I’d like to visit the moon
But I don’t think I’d like to live there
Though I’d like to look down at the earth from above
I would miss all the places and people I love
So although I might like it for one afternoon
I don’t want to live on the moon
Words to live by. And, words to sleep by. It’s a night light! It looks like the moon! It has an “authentically detailed 3-D lunar landscape!” And it comes with a remote control. Of course.
Okay, okay, the thing above looks dumb. Hella dumb, if you use the word “hella” (which is, itself, hella dumb). But you know what else looks dumb? Coffee stains on your pants and shirts and carpets and ye gods it burns too! What infernal torture is this!
There’s a solution. It’s called physics and you don’t need to understand it. All you need to know is that if you put your coffee-filled mug in this dumb-looking doohickey, you the coffee often (more often than before, at least) remains in the mug and off your clothes and stuff. And that’s important. Hella important.
$15, give or take. Mug not included, but who cares, because it makes all of your normal mugs into awesome mugs.
It’s called Gallium.
Just to be clear on that. If you’re still confused:
1) Gollum is forever linked to the One Ring, whicb can only be melted in the bowels of Mount Doom, behind the Black Gate of Mordor, as it was originally forged there.
2) Gallium is metal which melts at about 85 degrees Fahrenheit, and therefore does not need a hobbit (let alone two hobbits) or a fiery volcano to melt. You can just squeeze it a bit and let your body heat do the rest.
You’re at work and stressed out because something something, something something something — oh, and something something something something! Every day, right? It’d be incredible if you could just break out the GameBoy, pop in that Tetris cartridge, and doo doo doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo your worries away, right there in the office. But then your boss would be … yeah, that. So no GameBoy, sorry.
Instead? Stress balls. They suck, though.
But if they were shaped like Tetris blocks? Not only could you squeeze them when the something something happen, but you can also build neat things and be the envy of the other people in your cubical farm.
The best part about building sand castles isn’t the building the sand castle part, unless you’re one of those super-sculpture types (and really, who is?). No, no. The best part about building sand castles is the AWESOME MOATS.
Usually, digging an AWESOME MOAT (it really needs to be in all caps, all the time) means scooping out piles and piles of sand with your hands. That’s fun and all, but it’s slow going. Handtrux allow you to supercharge (SUPERCHARGE) construction of your AWESOME MOAT, turning your hands into massive shoves which can dig dig dig dig dig until the tide comes in and ruins all your fun.
Let’s make this one simple:
2) Pointy sticks.
4) In a mug-shaped container.
5) Seriously? You’re not convinced already?
If you scroll up a bit, you’ll see that I have an ad. I apologized for that ad. I guess it was an empty apology because I’m doing it again.
You know what’s awesome? Silly Putty.
You know what’s awesome? Magnetic stuff.
The thing about awesomeness is that it’s geometric. Take two awesome things an add them together and you don’t get something that’s twice as awesome. You get awesomeness SQUARED. Awesome times awesome! Bam!
This stuff is like magic, apparently. Works like modeling clay until you bring the included magnet nearby, in which case it bends and blurps (whatever a blurp is) to your will. Magic!
See that little tiny metal marble? That’s you. The rest of the contraption? A three-dimensional maze, and you have to get through it. You the marble, not you yourself, because the Perplexus doesn’t come with a shrink ray.
Oh, and it’s really freaking hard. Thankfully, it’s pretty hard to smash.
Being a millionaire must be cool.
Being a billionaire, that too.
But don’t settle for billions. Nope. Go for the big money. The real big money. Be a trillionaire. It’s so much money that “trillionaire” doesn’t even come up on spell check. And it can be yours, with this totally real 100 trillion dollar bill — Zimbabwean dollars, that is — which of course is really worth about eight hundredth of a cent U.S., but whatever.
Collect ten and you’ll become a … uh… really-rich-illionaire.
Take two cookies. And some ice cream. Let’s face it, you’re already 95% on the way to being awesome.
But that last five percent, that’s always the trick, isn’t it?
Not any more. Not by a long shot.
What’s better than popcorn? Making it taste like burning. Like atomic-bomb-went-off burning. It’s so hot that it’d make Orville Redenbacher bald if he weren’t bald already. Wait, Orville Redenbacher wasn’t bald? And he’s dead? Oh…
Anyway, it’s popcorn, covered in chili sauce.
Dave likes lunch. So much so, in fact, that he eats his it every day at about 11:30 — but, “accidentally,” eats someone else’s sandwich instead. And no one wants that anchovy, jalapeno, and mayo monstrosity that he brings from home, no sir. Definitely not you. You wanted that really awesome BLT you picked up on the way to work. But no, no… Dave ate it.
Hopefully, Dave will get let go in the next round of layoffs. Or arrested. Or come down with mono or something. But until then, use the anti-theft lunch bag. Make Dave think that your egg and cheese on whole wheat comes with a generous side of toxic mold.
It’ll be our little secret.
The human body is always happy. The question is, which part of it? If you’re angry, this t-shirt reminds you that your forehead is smiling and there’s nothing you can do about it! And if you get angrier, IT JUST SMILES HARDER! So there.
Of course, you could always go full Whoopi Goldberg and shave off the eyebrows. Take that, universe.
Parrots can talk, which means parrots can swear. It’d be hard to train your parrot to say things like _________, and _______, and of course _________ ___________ ___________, you ___________ _________ __________ monkey _________. So just go with the electronic one.
Every once in a while you need to let off a little steam, and threatening to sacrifice some dude is a great way to do it.
Wait, that sounded wrong, let’s try again.
Everyone once in a while, while you’re cooking, you need to let off a little steam. You know, so your pasta doesn’t boil over and create that really gross mess that you can never clean up. So some company came up with “Lid Sid,” a dangling little dude who you can prop over the lip of the pot. He holds up the lid and looks like he’s about to go for a swim in boiling hot water (with oil if you are any sort of decent cook) which would suck, but he’s not alive.
At least not any more.
There’s a website called “Who Buys This Stuff?” which asks, as you may have guessed, who buys this stuff? In most cases, we agree with them, but not when it comes to the awesome power of a motorized ice cream cone. It SPINS YOUR CONE FOR YOU. That’s amazing! Equal distribution of ice cream lickery, guaranteed! And you don’t have to go all Exorcist and turn your wrist in a full circle! Because that’s impossible unless you’re possessed by some demon!
Especially if you’re lazy.
It’s a baseball. Well, it was a baseball. Now it’s half a baseball, plus a bit of metal and a magnet and minus a bit of its innards. Now, it sticks to your fridge, waiting until it’s called into the game — as a bottle opener. A very cool bottle opener, one every baseball fan should have at least four of, because if it goes into the stands the fans will take it home with them, and then you won’t be able to open your beer.
It’s called “Awesome Sauce.” It could taste like pigeon poop and you know what? It’d still be worth a try. Seriously, take a bologna-on-Wonder Bread sandwich — the non-awesomest thing you can possibly eat — and bam! add the awesome sauce to it. Then it’s a meal. Potentially a really bad tasting one, but who cares? Be a man.
Even if I deserve it.
(I probably do.)
$20. Comes with a variety of messages, because people suck at more things than just parking.
Duff Beer for me, Duff Beer for you, I’ll have a Duff, you have one too! Okay, that’s not Duff Beer, but rather an orange-flavored energy drink. But it’s still very Simpons-y, and because it’s non-alcoholic, you can pretend to be Bart pretending to drink a beer. Just don’t be Maggie, because babies shouldn’t have all that sugar and stuff. Drink responsibly!
Want your drink on the rocks? Literally? Now, you can live the dream. Made of soapstone, these rocks are cool as ice — well, once you put them in your freezer — and don’t melt. They’re apparently not poisonous or anything like that, either. So if you feel woozy or a bit hungover the next day, blame the drink, not the stones.
Lightsaber chopsticks. When you first ate sushi, you were but the learner. Now you are the master. (Only the master of eel, Darth?)
May the Force be with you, and the forks left alone.
Miraculin, the magic ingredient in “Miracle Frooties,” tricks your tastebuds into thinking that sour stuff is sweet. Pop a Miracle Frooties tablet in your mouth, let it dissolve, and then bite into a lemon — it’s like eating candy!
It’s a mustache. It’s a ball. It’s the Humunga Stache. It’s a doggie toy which makes it look like your dog has a sweet, sweet ‘stache. You throw it. Your dog goes and fetches it. Because your dog doesn’t have opposable thumbs, he has to grab it with his mouth.
Remember that time that you were at a kid’s birthday party and all those kids started crying and OH MY LORD MY EARS ARE BURNING FROM THE SOUND OF A BILLION FOUR YEAR OLDS SCREAMING PLEASE MAKE IT STOP?
Solution: An emergency clown nose.
That’s a mug. Not a toilet filled with, well, you know. We assume it’s filled with coffee but it could be hot chocolate. Or…
Well, you get the idea.
It’s not quite as unsinkable as they thought it’d be… but instead, it’s drinkable! Mix some horrific human tragedy in with your holiday revelry as your gin (or Sprite or iced tea or whatever you drink — but not milk, because milk with ice? That’d be gross) is cooled down by the most famous shipwreck in the history of mankind.
Women and children first.
They say unicorns aren’t real.
Yum. (Horn not included. Presence of wings may vary.)
We the people, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, something about domestic tranquility, defense, general welfare, and ordaining stuff. Without George Washington, there’d be no freedom; without freeom, there could never be Chia Pets. It’s the perfect combination.
See that blueish-purplish stuff Vader is holding in his left hand? It’s Force Lightning. You know, the stuff that the Emperor uses to get Luke to yell “FATHER!!” until Vader tosses the Emperor into the seemingly endless chasm near his throne room? Yeah, that stuff.
That’s what it looks like when it gets turned into a Lego. So, mystery solved.
Boo-boos hurt. But bacon? It makes everything better, or so they say. Putting bacon on a boo-boo is probably a bad idea, but bacon-shaped “band-aids” probably don’t.
But don’t eat them, that wouldn’t be kosher.
Fact: Everyone likes marshmallows. Everybody. Even the Stay Puft Marshallow Man would eat a marshmallow, because they’re that good. Sugar and squishy and kind of gets stuck in your teeth… what’s not to like?
Fact 2: Everyone likes chocolate. Even dogs, and they’re deathly allergic to the stuff.
Fact 3: Sometimes you need a caffeine jolt.
Solution: Caffeinated Chocolate Marshmallows.
There was once this kid, we’ll call him Carl, who liked skateboarding. Carl had a girlfriend named Monique, but he could never remember how to spell her name. But she liked rainbows. Carl wanted to show Monique that he’d love her forever, so he got a tattoo of a rainbow, skateboarding, on his right arm. It hurt like a youknowwhat.
The next day, Carl caught Monique sleeping with his best friend, Waldo.
Don’t be a Carl. Make sure your tattoos of skateboarding rainbows are temporary.
The web comic XKCD dude decided, hey, wouldn’t it be really cool to draw the oceans? And how deep they are? Because the oceans, they’re deep. Really deep. Like if Buddha and some non-Buddha philosopher had a conversation deep, except not in that sense of the word “deep.”
You can see the whole drawing here but that would be hard to put on your wall, so Mr. XKCD made it into a poster. It’s 36″x24″ and on high-quality paper, which means it isn’t all that deep itself.
Turn your feet into meat with socks that are sweet. Two non-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bunion?
Okay, that was gross. But the socks are amazing and probably vegan.
This ice tray only makes six ice cubes, but it makes SUPER GINORMOUS ones. They’re so big, we need capital letters there, and really, even that’s inadequate. You could probably freeze a whole Oompa-Loompa, they’re so big. But probably not Augustus Gloop.
Ever wanted to Force Choke someone to death? Just use the above to make Aunt Myrtle’s fruitcake.
All too easy.
Caution: Device does not actually provide extra lives. Handle with care. Do not attempt to use near sharp objets, open flames, or on balconies. Cannot make you fly, not that it can make Mario fly. Not edible. Will not stop poisonous mushrooms from killing you. Probably will not help you save a princess, but who knows.
It’s a dog.
NO. It’s a truck.
NO. It’s a dog.
It’s actually both. And unlike most Transformers (which this isn’t, technically, as as that’s a registered trademark of someone or another), this thing isn’t hard to transform. Just just wind it up and let it go and it does all the transforming itself. So it’s a dog, it’s a truck, and it’s also not frustrating.